The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around in it until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, 'Hey, I'm Vine Man.'

I believe you should live each day as if it was your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry, because who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?

When you read a good book it is like an author is right there. Sitting and talking to you right there. That is why I don't like to read books.

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

I wish outer space guys would conquer the earth and make people their pets, because Ed like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.