The very purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we hold of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think about us.

Other-cheekism is not only a way of purifying the soul, it is also part of every weak person's survival kit.

People are not heterosexual or homosexual, just sexual.

When asked, 'Shall I tell my mother I'm gay?', I reply, 'Never tell your mother anything.'

Health consists of having the same diseases as one's neighbours.

As a test of the closeness of your relationship with the world, sex could never be a patch on being murdered. (That's when someone really does risk his life for you.)

What is privacy if not for invading?

The programs constantly repeat themselves and one another. No one has yet had the nerve to say, 'As we have nothing sensible to tell you between now and 8:30, please tune in again then.'

Treat all disasters as if they were trivialities but never treat a triviality as if it were a disaster.

Vice is its own reward.