A woman wouldn't make a bomb that kills you. A woman would make a bomb that makes you feel bad for a while. That's why there should be a woman President. There'd never be any wars, just every twenty-eight days there'd be very intense negotiations.

Never pick a fight with an ugly person; they've got nothing to lose.

Be prepared for luck.

Keith Richards is the only man who can make the Osbournes look Amish.

A Pentagon official once said the people who would actually push the button probably have never seen a person die. He said the only hope -and it's a strange thought - is if they put the button to launch the nuclear war behind a man's heart. The President, then, with a rusty knife, would have to cut out the man's heart, kill the man, to get to the button.

I got tides to regulate! I got no time for flatulence and orgasms.

Goo-od Morning, Vietnam!