Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate.

A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.

We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.

Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.

We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

Socially prominent people are very fond of disease, because it gives them a chance to have these really elaborate charity functions, and the newspaper headlines say 'EVENING IN PARIS BALL RAISES MONEY TO FIGHT GOUT' instead of 'RICH PEOPLE AMUSE THEMSELVES'.

Democracy: in which you say what you like and do what you're told.

As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.