When they told me I needed a mastectomy, I thought of the thousands of luncheons and dinners I had attended where they slapped a name tag on my left bosom. I always smiled and said, 'Now, what shall we name the other one?' That would no longer be a problem.

The grass is always greener over the septic tank.

Bombeck's Rug Rule: an ugly carpet will last for ever.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

The Rose Bowl is the only one I've ever seen that I didn't have to clean.

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.