Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

They say a man is as old as the women he feels.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

Since my little daughter is only half Jewish, would it be all right if she went into the pool only up to her waist?

I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French government. I'd give it all up for one erection.

Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.

Here is the autobiography. I would send you a lock of my hair but it's at the barbershop getting washed.

How do I feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.