A firm, hearty handshake gives a good first impression, and you'll never be forgiven if you don't live up to it.

Guns are always the best method for a private suicide... Drugs are too chancy. You might miscalculate the dosage and just have a good time.

Remember, your body needs six to eight glasses of fluid daily. Straight up or on the rocks.

Every generation finds the drug it needs.

No drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the sources of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.

Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern, like bad wallpaper.

To grasp the true meaning of socialism, imagine a world where everything is designed by the post office, even the sleaze.

A very quiet and tasteful way to be famous is to have a famous relative. Then you can not only be nothing, you can do nothing, too.

Rich parents are famous both for miserliness and astonishing longevity. And, when they finally do die, you'll find they've left their estate in inviolate trust to the golden retrievers.

Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern, like bad wallpaper.