Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Cleaning your house while your children are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.

Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it.

This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.'

Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.