When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, 'No thanks, I'm not going that far.'

The older you get, the more you learn to see what you've been taught to see. When you're a kid, you see what's there.

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

How young can you die of old age?

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I had a dream that all the victims of the Pill came back ... boy, were they mad.

My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.'