Funeral, n. A pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears.

Future, n. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.

Ghost, n. The outward and visible sign of an inward fear.

Administration, n. An ingenious abstraction in politics, designed to receive the kicks and cuffs due to the premier or president.

Grammar, n. A system of pitfalls thoughtfully prepared for the feet of the self-made man, along the path by which he advances to distinction.

Habit, n. A shackle for the free.

Happiness, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.

Meekness, n. Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while.

Appetite, n. An instinct thoughtfully implanted by Providence as a solution to the labor question.

Occident, n. The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful subtribe of the Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are the principal industries of the Orient.