That special bond you think you have with your pet is imaginary. As long as it has food and water, you could get hit by a train tomorrow, and your pet wouldn't think anything of it.

I tend to be suspicious of people whose love of animals is exaggerated; they are often frustrated in their relationships with humans.

When one loves animals and children too much, one loves them against human beings.

If an animal does something, we call it instinct. If we do the same thing for the same reason, we call it intelligence.

A zoo is a place where your child asks loud questions about the private parts of large mammals.

The hyena is said to laugh: but it is rather in the way in which the MP is said to utter 'an ironical cheer'.

Monkeys very sensibly refrain from speech, lest they should be set to earn their livings.

A tortoise is, I suppose, a Jewish pet. It knows its place. Out on the lawn. It doesn't bark. It doesn't tear the Dralon.

Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and it annoys the pig.

Even if you feed the cow cocoa you will not get chocolate.