I'm astounded by people who want to "know" the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Is old age really so terrible? Not if you've brushed your teeth faithfully.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Cloquet hated reality but realized it was still the only place to get a good steak.

-You could probably convert me because I'm a pushover. And if you make it appealing enough and you promise me some wonderful afterlife with a white robe and wings ... I could go for it. -I can't promise you wings, but I can promise you a wonderful, exciting life. -One wing?

People think I'm an artist because my films lose money.

According to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

To you I'm an atheist. To God I'm the loyal opposition.

Spencer was searching for a woman interested in gold, inorganic chemistry, outdoor sex and the music of Bach. In short, he was looking for himself, only female.

Today I saw a red-and-yellow sunset and thought, how insignificant I am! Of course, I thought that yesterday, too, and it rained.