Love does not make itself felt in the desire for copulation (a desire that extends to an infinite number of women) but in the desire for shared sleep (a desire limited to one woman).

I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.

There is nothing safe about sex. There never will be.

What motivated man to walk upright? To free his hands for masturbation.

The closest I ever came to death was masturbating with a 104-degree temperature.

Man can go seventy years without a piece of ass, but he can die in a week without a bowel movement.

To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride.

Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.

If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. If I have to laugh, I think of my sex life.

A promiscuous person is someone who is getting more sex than you are.